


P.S I love you

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I basically followed the plot of the film, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, mostly angst though, p.s I love you letters, they swear a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-03 12:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4100773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama had said that as long as he was there, Hinata would be the strongest. Even when they still fought, they'd always be by each other's side... But Kageyama wasn’t there any more, and he definitely wasn’t feeling strong right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	P.S I love you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [attack_on_toast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_toast/gifts).



> *nervously fidgets about* I hope this isn't too angsty :s
> 
> I feel like I got really carried away with this fic but I hope this is what you were expecting and you enjoy it ^_^
> 
> A huge thanks to my friend Grace who beta'd this despite knowing _nothing_ about hq!! and getting confused with names.

The first thing Hinata did when he stepped out the shower that evening was yell. Why? Because, not only had Kageyama used up all the hot water before him, but he also had left only a slither of shampoo in the bottle. Hinata wasn’t sure if his boyfriend of four years did it on purpose, but he had done it a suspicious amount of times in the past and this was the last straw.

He swiftly wrapped a towel round his waist, yanked the bathroom door open and stormed down the hallway to the living room, trying not to slip from his wet feet on the wooden floor. He reached the living room where Kageyama was sitting on the sofa with headphones over his ears, listening to music. His head was absentmindedly bobbing along to the rhythm as he tapped his fingers on the arm of the sofa- It pissed Hinata off _so much._

He stood behind Kageyama, out of his line of sight, and shook his wet orange hair over his boyfriend, making droplets land on the other’s hair and clothes.

“What the hell?” gasped Kageyama, as he took off his headphones and turned to face Hinata, who was by this point about to flip a table.

“‘What the hell?’” mimicked Hinata, “Really?! you used up all the hot water and shampoo!”

Kageyama scoffed and folded his arms, all the while making his signature pouty face that Hinata usually giggled at; but right now, he was trying to keep an angry expression.

“There’s shampoo in the cupboard under the sink, you know? And a cold shower won’t kill you; you had an iced bath after yesterday’s game for christ sake.”

Both of those things were true. They had gone shopping last week and Hinata now remembered picking up at least 4 bottles of the stuff they usually get, knowing they’d both need it because of how sweaty they’d be from the extra volleyball practice they’d been doing lately. The reason for their extra practice was because Japan’s men's volleyball team had gotten to the final of the Olympic games, which was where the iced bath came in, as the venue obviously had all the facilities there for a true professional athlete to use. But still, he couldn’t have a cold shower right before bed- he’d have the shivers all night!

"Uuugh! You're such a grumpy pants!"

"No, you're the grumpy pants!" replied Kageyama, instantly and Hinata snorted.

"How can you be so intimidating to some people, yet you can't think up a decent comeback to save yourself!"

Hinata abruptly stopped his ranting and covered his mouth. Maybe his wording there hadn’t been the best (given some recent circumstances he did not want to think about right now), but if Kageyama had noticed the double meaning like Hinata did, he never said; only stood up from where he was sitting to face Hinata (probably to prove he “didn’t need comebacks when he had height”).

“Well the least you could do is not be all up in my face about a stupid shampoo bottle. _God_ , you never used to be this irritating! What the hell happened?”

“Self righteous king,” Hinata muttered under his breath.

Kageyama tensed at the word, “... Get out.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me just fine, dumbass! Get out!” Kageyama said it louder this time and Hinata felt a little taken aback. Kageyama’s tone sounded so bitter, and he had never used that nickname since they had gotten together; it was only said affectionately when Hinata made a mess in the kitchen or got a little overenthusiastic. 

_How did this happen_ , thought Hinata, _why are we fighting over nothing? This can easily be fixed… I just need to say sorry._

But Hinata’s mouth and his legs betrayed him as he marched past Kageyama, bumping shoulders in the process and muttering various curse words as he made his way to the door of their house. He pulled the door open to be met with a harsh evening chill.

“I’m fucking _Elsa!_ ‘The cold never bothered me anyway!’”

He slammed the door closed, creating a loud bang that would probably wake the neighbours- if they weren't already wakened by the yelling, that was. 

The wind made swooshy sounds in his right ear and blew strands of orange hair all over the place, some tickling his cheek in a really irritating way which made him try and hold his hair away from his face. However that left him with no hands to rub the sides of his bare arms with.

He was starting to think maybe he shouldn't have gone outside, Because this was a really big mistake and it was cold outside and _dammit_ , why didn’t he put on clothes first before walking out in only a towel! But despite all these things, the thing that he regrets the most is yelling at Kageyama. The setter was under so much stress lately and he felt like tonight he’d only made things worse.

His body was finally starting to agree with his mind -he should apologise to Kageyama- when he eventually turned back to the door and grabbed hold of the handle. 

Just seconds later though he found himself stumbling forward as the door opened abruptly on it’s own accord… or so he thought, until he bumped straight into Kageyama and the two of them stumbled into the room, almost falling over.

When Hinata gained his balance and looked up at his boyfriend, Kageyama looked like he was about to burst into tears.

“I’m sorry!” spluttered Hinata, and repeated it several times in a row until he was out of breath. “I’m so so sorry please don’t hate me and leave me in the cold. I lied, I’m not Elsa, so plea--”

Hinata stopped mid sentence as he was wrapped in a bone-crushing hug from Kageyama.

“I’m the one that’s sorry.” he said, his lips brushing against Hinata’s ear. “I was a grumpy pants but I didn’t mean a single word of what I said.” Kageyama chuckled and his breath tickled the side of Hinata’s face, but in a much nicer way than his hair in the harsh wind moments before.

"I'm just feeling nervous over the game next week-"

Hinata nodded, understanding exactly where his boyfriend's nerves were coming from. The Olympics was a pretty big affair. Actually, scratch that, it was the most important game of their lives: bigger than their first win against Aoba Josai; bigger than Nationals; bigger than all the matches they’d won to get to the final. The thought of it made Hinata feel not only nervous, but euphoric too.

"-and I didn't want to bring it up, but I'm feeling _really_ scared over the operation."

And there it was. The thing that put all the nerves of the game out their head, only to be brought back ten times worse- Kageyama's operation to remove a tumour in his right lung. The doctors had found it only weeks ago when Kageyama went for a checkup before the Olympics started. They said he was healthy enough to play the final game but would need to take a break from volleyball afterwards while he recovered. It pained both Kageyama and Hinata that the setter wouldn't be able to enjoy the thing he loved, but they could make the compromise for Kageyama's health to return. It just meant they'd need to win next week to last them for a while.

Hinata linked his arms behind Kageyama’s neck and hugged him tightly. However, he let go when he realised his towel was barely covering him any more and feeling a little embarrassed, tried to keep it around his waist while Kageyama closed the door behind them. At least his oncoming blush was heating his body.

“You’re freezing, Shouyou! Here, take this.”  
Kageyama tossed him a pajama top and shorts that had been lying on the radiator -the shorts were his own and the top looked way too big for him -obviously Kageyama’s- but he put them on anyway, glad to be wearing the warm clothes.

He tossed the towel away unceremoniously and wrapped his arms around Kageyama’s torso for another hug. The taller one sighed in content and rubbed his cheek against the soft hair on Hinata’s head, which -Hinata noticed- he did a lot. 

He placed his feet on top of Kageyama’s so he could be at the perfect height to place a kiss on the side of his mouth. With Hinata still standing on his feet, Kageyama waddled like a penguin to the sofa and lied down across it. Hinata kept close to Kageyama and the two of them cuddled on the sofa- Hinata lying on top of Kageyama while the latter played with his messy orange hair (which was still a little damp from his shower). 

"We're okay, right? You and me." 

"Of course! When are we _not_ though." Hinata murmured while smiling up at Kageyama. They fought sometimes but no matter what was said in the heat of the moment, it was always forgiven and forgotten, because it never meant anything- they knew they loved each over, and that was that.

"And we'll get through this together? Both the match and the operation? We'll stay together always?"

Hinata cleared his throat and said in the deepest voice he could muster, "To infinity and beyond, partner."

Kageyama stayed silent for a moment, then started to make sounds like he was blowing a raspberry. That's when Hinata noticed Kageyama was trying to hold back a laugh. They looked into each other's eyes, then eventually the silence got too much for them and both let out a loud, full on laugh. 

Kageyama was laughing so much it made his stomach move underneath Hinata, making the middle blocker bounce around a little. Kageyama placed his hands on either side of Hinata's waist so he didn't fall off the sofa. 

"I can't believe you just said that." Kageyama sighed heavily, then for no reason -other than reliving the memory of Hinata's lame Buzz Lightyear impression- he was laughing again. The sound of Kageyama's laughter was one of Hinata's favourite things, (all the snorts and giggles included) and was up there with volleyball, his favourite food, Tamago Kake Gohan and obviously, Kageyama himself.

The two of them kept laughing and making silly jokes into the night, until all the stress and tension from before melted away into thin air.

 

… But the laughter faded out, until all that is left was silence and the lingering sadness that followed Hinata everywhere but his dreams.

_Kageyama had said that as long as he was here, Hinata would be the strongest… But Kageyama wasn’t here any more, and he definitely wasn’t feeling strong right now._

A trail of sunlight shines through the small gap in the curtains of his bedroom, causing him to close his eyes immediately after just waking up. Maybe he could pick up where the dream/memory had left off, and he could return to better times- if he relived the dream even longer he’d eventually get to the final of the olympics. Probably one of the best memories he had before everything came crashing down on him weeks later.

But considering he had gone to bed really early that night like he usually did these days, he had no sleep in him left to fuel the happy memories and relieve the pain of reality. 

The doctors had thought they'd found the tumor early and Kageyama had a high chance of surviving, but not long after the success of their win, the setter had been rushed to hospital to find the tumor had grown rapidly. Months were spent at the hospital, with Kageyama growing weaker on a hospital bed and Hinata never leaving his side. Kageyama would sometimes have nightmares in the middle of the night and Hinata would feel him gently hold the hand he always placed on the bed, while he slept in the chair. Hinata knew _exactly_ what his boyfriend’s nightmares consisted of, if they were any similar to the ones kageyama confessed to years ago- if they were like the ones where Kageyama the setter threw a toss, but his fiery haired middle blocker was not there to spike them, then of course, Hinata would not get up and leave. 

That’s what he’d promised. He thought it would be an easy one to keep, only when he returned from a quick toilet break to find Kageyama’s IV monitor a flat line and numerous doctors rushing past him, he realised promises are actually a lot easier to break, no matter who you make them to.

The sound of the doorbell caused him to wake up fully. He rubbed his eyes and slowly climbed out of bed, trudging across the hall and towards the front door, hoping if he used the excuse of slowness, then whomever was at the door would leave. However, when he got to the door and looked through the spy hole, he saw Yachi outside, hopping from foot to foot nervously.

“Yachi?” He gawked, after he opened the door. _Why is she here so early in the morning?_ “Is everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Yachi then made a strange noise and glanced at the paper she’d been holding cautiously in her hand.

"Okay, please don't freak out, but I have a letter for you, and I have no clue how to break this to you gently- agh, why did he trust me to do this job!” Yachi’s voice was starting to go into a higher pitch and Hinata could imagine gears rapidly turning in her head from her overthinking.

“A letter?” He questioned while scratching the back of head curiously, “Why don’t you start again, Yachi- who’s _he?_ ”

“It’s, um….” She hesitated, “It’s Kageyama. He asked me to give you this.” She handed him an envelope with ‘Shouyou’ written in Kageyama’s distinct handwriting.

Hinata’s ears were suddenly blocked from all noise as he stared at the paper in his hands- only the muffled sound of Yachi’s voice could be heard and as much as he wanted to listen, he couldn’t. He was only focused on tearing open the envelope and reading the words meant only for him; he couldn't open it fast enough, but when he did, he wished he’d taken his time… He wasn’t prepared to hear Kageyama’s voice again; even if it was only in his head. 

*********************************************************

_Shouyou,_

_I’m not very good with words, but I think you already knew that, didn’t you? I've always been the one to stumble on sentences and you were the one who just made up your own words and phrases. I never could figure out your made up language, even though we’d been dating for so many years, but I could figure out this much; you were happy. And that’s all I really needed to understand._  
We had our own language too- it was never spoken, but it could be seen… and felt, through the times we played volleyball and the way your presence lit up the court. I couldn't have got rid of you if I tried, but I never wanted to- not when you've been the most important thing in this fairly short but brilliant life of mine.  
Do you remember when I finally got the guts to ask you out on a date? Your face was the reddest I’ve ever seen it but you were jumping around like a maniac, happy I’d finally confessed. Think about how young we were then, and how long ago that first date was- and how many we managed to go on after that (if meat buns after practice count as a date.... Do they?).  
Okay, enough of that, my point is Shouyou, you're gonna look back on the life we had together and realise what we had was special- you’ve stuck by me this long, and I am so thankful you did, but now it’s time to let go…  
So I'm going to keep sending you letters; not to rub salt on the wound I left behind, but to remind you of the life you had, and how it won't change for the worst now I'm gone. A new chapter of your life is starting and I was only one of the firsts, so who knows what amazing adventures will happen in the future.  
I don’t know how you’ll react to this… I feel like I know you well enough to guess shocked, at first -then maybe a little pissed- but deep down I hope this letter (and the rest) will do you well.  
But if you give up volleyball because of me, I swear to god I'll come back and kill you. 

_p.s. I love you._

*************************************************

His fingers tightened into fists and he crushed the paper in his hands. His mind was telling him to stop before he did something drastic, like rip the letter in two, but his body seemed to be having a mind of its own like it usually did and he could only watch behind a blurred vision from his tears as he threw the letter in the bin beside him. His breath caught in his throat, the beginnings of a sob breaking the surface and all he could think was _‘god, what a stupid idiot Kageyama was. of course I’m pissed, damnit!'_ Since when did Kageyama have the right to show up in some form that wasn’t himself still alive. All Hinata got was just a flimsy piece of paper- what could that do for him? It couldn’t send him a toss or cuddle him on lonely nights, that’s for sure.

He heard Yachi quietly walk towards the bin, take out the letter and smooth out the edges. She placed it on the kitchen table and walked over to where Hinata was curled up on the sofa. He felt the sofa dip a little more under both their weights -though not nearly as much when Kageyama sat down there and he felt a little glad Yachi is so light- and she put an arm gently around his shoulders. 

“You can cry if you want to Shouyou… Just let it out.” She said, rubbing circles with her thumb on his shoulder blade.

“I can’t though!” He yelled, his voice sounding scratchy and pained, “I can sob, and sometimes I’ll get a few tears, but I still haven’t cried properly since he went- and it _hurts_ , Yachi. Because I’ve been on the brink of having a good cry for weeks, but it just won't happen! 

“I really thought I would just cry for days, so on one of my trips from the hospital I went and bought like, ten big packs of tissues, just so I was prepared- I haven't used a single one!" He throws his hands up in frustration, "What a waste of money!"

He could hear his voice crack at the end and winced. Yachi wouldn’t judge or take pity on him; she was too kind a person and anyone could see that. Hinata knew she also understood his grief, since she had known Kageyama too and hadn’t been able to hold back her tears at the funeral. _No,_ he thought. _I don’t even want to think about that day!_

Instead, she reached into her bag she’d dumped at her feet and brought out a bottle of water. She handed it to Hinata and said, “Have a drink and rest your voice... Have you had breakfast yet? I'll make you breakfast."

Yachi sauntered over to the kitchen and started looking through cupboards so Hinata just left her too it, knowing she'd reject any offers of help. For a moment he felt an abundance of pride and admiration towards her. _She is so much stronger than me,_ he thought with not a tinge of jealousy in his thoughts (Not when it was Yachi). _In a way, she always has been._

After he sat in a comfortable silence with Yachi by his side, eating a filling breakfast, his friend eventually cleared her throat.

“I just want you to know that if you want me to stick around here and keep you company, I will. Or if you need some space, I can leave you in peace... But if not then you are more than welcome to join me and Natsu for lunch later. She misses you very much, you know?”

Lunch did sound nice, and he hadn’t seen his sister in a while. Yachi had taken on the older sibling figure while he'd been busy those last few months- he just didn't know if he could be the cheery older brother Natsu was used to seeing yet, and even though she was in middle school now and knew why ‘uncle Tobes’ was no longer around, he didn't want to disappoint her. _Yes, I’d love to… but,_

"I think I'll have some time alone if that's alright..." He said instead.

He could tell Yachi was trying her hardest not to let her disappointment show and he didn’t blame her for feeling that way. She helped him clean away his breakfast dishes and brought him up to date with how all the Karasuno lot were doing, then said she had to go.

About two minutes after Yachi left, he glanced to the door, and felt like he was being pulled toward it. Maybe what he really needed was family and friends.

He got up, put on an outdoor jacket -with a little more enthusiasm than his previous attempts- and searched for his keys. He found them lying on the kitchen table, right next to the letter. Kageyama’s scribbly yet swirly handwriting looked like it was moving all over the paper and turning into gibberish right in front of him. He brought the paper closer to his face, praying Kageyama’s words hadn’t been lost forever, but it had been just a trick of the eye… Maybe he was going insane- he felt like the more he looked at the end of the letter, the more likely the words would be forever tattooed on his retinas.

“I love you too,” he whispered, eventually tearing his gaze away from the letter and picking up his keys. He walked to the front door, only this time with a little more spring in his step- not as much as when he had Kageyama by his side, but it was a start. 

It was progress.


End file.
